Homeless people are the ultimate proof that ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away.

My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.

If you win a one year’s supply of calendars, you just get one calendar.

The government is far more likely to read one of your emails if you don’t send it to the government.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Any pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

Disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.

If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”.

If I owned a diner I’d have a sandwich called “The Usual” so everyone would feel special.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

I just spotted some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces.

Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.

I don’t chase anyone anymore. Wanna walk out of my life, there’s the door. Hell, I’ll even hold it for you.

I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.

If a man said he’ll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.

You don’t get what you WISH for, you get what you WORK for.

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