Disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

“Do what you love” is shitty career advice because mostly what I love is spending time alone and eating breakfast food.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.

Don’t reach for the stars. They are extremely hot and will incinerate you.

I was dropped as a baby (into a pool of awesomeness and bad-assery).

Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.

My doctor says I need glasses, but for the sake of consolidation, I’ll just take a bottle.

I don’t like morning people… or mornings… or people.

If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.

I either eat 20 meals a day or forget to eat at all there is literally nothing in between.

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s an Instagram filter.

Why are cats so popular on the internet? Oh wait, it’s because dog people actually go outside.

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money.

I only trust 2 things: People who like big butts and Shakira’s hips.

Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.

Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.

If service dogs knew that they wear signs that say “don’t pet me” all day they’d get really upset.

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