Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.

Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.

People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrition.

When things don’t add up in your life, start subtracting.

I think I may be emotionally constipated…I haven’t given a shit in days.

It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty… it’s clearly almost time to order another drink.

There’s a moron in every office. They usually get paid more than you.

I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.

When I was growing up I never knew what I wanted to be; now that I’m older, I know that it’s younger.

I really don’t want a birthday card. Just give me the $4 you would’ve spent on it. If it makes you feel better sign your name on each dollar

Run towards whatever scares you. Unless it’s a bear. Don’t run towards a bear.

You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else’s shower.

I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

“You won’t like me when I’m angry. Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.” -The Credible Hulk

Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you. Push and Pull.

It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.


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