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If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”.

If I owned a diner I’d have a sandwich called “The Usual” so everyone would feel special.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

I just spotted some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces.

Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.

I don’t chase anyone anymore. Wanna walk out of my life, there’s the door. Hell, I’ll even hold it for you.

I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.

If a man said he’ll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.

You don’t get what you WISH for, you get what you WORK for.

When Karma comes back to punch you in the face…I’ll be there…just in case it needs help.

Shower = 2% Wash Body, 3% Wash Hair, 95% Contemplate Life.

When I have money, there’s nothing to buy. When I don’t have money, I want everything.

Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.

After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn’t want to eat for the rest of the week anyways.

Everyone has that friend with a nickname and when someone calls them by their real name it sounds weird.

I’m not shy, I’m just really good at figuring out who’s worth talking to.

Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.